PROBLEMS WITH WATCHING MOVIES

Movies are enjoyed by the masses. Personally, I love movies. I can’t get enough of them. The success of a movie is based on two things: box office earnings and video sales. Even with this fact understood, there is one thing that makes me reconsider watching a movie. It’s not the ticket prices or the exceptionally high prices for concession items. As much as I love movies and understand how important box office numbers are, I can’t stand half of the people who watch them.

Too many idiots watch movies. Even the most entertaining movie can be ruined by one annoying person. People who talk, people who have cell phones that go off and people who have ridiculous laughs.

If you want to talk, talk outside. I can understand a little comment here and there, but when you comment, make sure that only your conversation buddy can hear it. I don’t want to hear your bullshit comments from across the aisle. If people thought you were funny, they’d probably laugh at you, instead of staring at you wondering what mental disorder you have.

Nowadays everyone has a cell phone. If you have a cell phone, it should be a badge of maturity. A sign that you are a big kid now and you have the judgment to know when to talk on the phone and when your phone should be on silent or off. I can understand the occasional buzzing when watching a movie. That tells me “Hey, I have a call, but I was considerate enough to dampen the annoyance by placing my phone on vibrate”. If I hear a polyphonic version of the latest 50 Cent song from your phone while I’m watching a movie I paid $10 to watch, however, that tells me “Hey! Shoot me 9 times in the chest!”

“As a human being, I have the right to laugh any way I want while I watch a movie that I paid for!” Fuck yea! I agree! But do it in the privacy of your own home. In fact, if you want to, invite some friends to watch a movie with you! Your friends will tell you how annoying the cacophonic siren that you call a mouth is. Annoying laughs are tolerable if they’re not louder than THX certified speakers and if they coincide with the laughs of others. If your laughs can break crystal glasses and you laugh at scenes that aren’t the least bit humorous, go to Blockbuster. You get to watch the “funny scenes” as many times as you want! And best of all, no late fees!

DRIVERS BEWARE

There are too many dumb-asses on the road these days. It's not that hard to pay attention when driving a motorized vehicle, but it becomes a hassle when you have to pay attention to the driving of others.

Now the occasional mistake can be made. It's impossible to never make mistakes unless you're a robot, and it's a known fact that not more than 2% of the entire US population is comprised of robots. But when you make a mistake so stupid that you end up pissing off dozens of drivers or create a dangerous situation, then you deserve a strike of lightning or something with similar consequences.

Rubbernecking is a ridiculous thing that pisses everyone off. If there's an accident, don't fucking stop! Sure, take a quick look at the catastrophic incident that you should have been in, but don't hold the rest of us up. As much as you may think that staring will change anything, it won’t! Nothing magical will happen.

Another type of driver is the "I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that-let-me-stop-and-stare-at-you-with-my-hands-in-the-air-in-disbelief" driver. Why does one think that when an idiot does something wrong, the only obvious solution to the problem is to completely stop and mumble meaningless intensives to themselves while looking like a confused idiot? Let the rest of us get on with our lives and if you don't want to join, pull over and sob about it without holding us back.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with freeway alert signs. I think they’re a great way to help motorists find a detour to get to their destination quicker. I do, however, have a problem with illiterate idiots who back up traffic so they can read an alert that has absolutely no effect on their traveling whatsoever. Sure, take a glance to check out what problems you might run into, but don’t spend minutes reading a sign stating that the 605N is jammed when you’re going to be on the 5N with no intention of even looking at the 605 onramp. License tests should have a literacy portion just to filter out the stupid people. I know I wouldn’t mind a quick reading comprehension quiz on the license test, just to make sure I don’t run into idiots on the road. Anyone with me on this?

Last but not least, tailgaiting. Being late is no justification for tailgating because you don't get anywhere faster by driving 7 inches away from the bumper of another vehicle. If the speed is consistent, a car following another car from one foot behind is going to go the same speed as a car following the same car from 20ft behind. Either change lanes and speed up or back the fuck off, cause if there's an accident, I won't hesitate to sue your ass for hitting me. Tailgating is for venue parking lots, not for the road.

Idiots make driving a chore instead of the privilege it is, but I don’t believe driving poorly is the only thing these people excel at. It seems that those who don’t piss people off on the streets do it in supermarket atmospheres. It is because of these people that I absolutely hate walking into any store that allows the use of carts. And it’s not only those who are using the carts that hold up the rest of the people, those who are just walking like to stop in the middle of the aisle to stop and ponder their thoughts on life…or so it seems.

To legally drive a car, you need a drivers license. I believe that to legally walk in public, you must obtain a walkers license stating that you can coherently walk and think at the same time, otherwise GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

*bold = edited 9/18/05